To those who don't want to see personal stuff, I'm sorry, yesterdays post was unexpected and unprepared, I really just wrote what came out and it is confused in places, that said, today will be more of the same, because I feel that I should answer a couple of questions.
My therapist feels that I'm really not ready to share yet, and I thought I had absorbed that information, obviously not!
First and foremost, I'm safe now, please don't worry about me, be strong with me. The violent nasty husband I mentioned is NOT my Hunney. I left my husband nearly nine years ago. He still tries to manipulate and control me, but thats not so easy now.
As for my father, he hasn't beaten me since I was about 21 - 22, I hit him him back one day, he set about me with a rolled up newspaper, which I took off him, I whacked him twice with it then threw it at him told him never to hit me again and walked away. I think he got that message. He has continued to be cruel though, all my life he has pointed out failings and weaknesses, he always told me what I would never be, he never encouraged me or told me what I have done well. I grew up in a negative world of fear, my mother couldn't help me, I think she was just as scared, my teachers who saw bruises and the policeman who lived next door and must have heard what was going on, all let me down badly, but I guess times were different then. To this day my father criticises me and never has a nice word. Slowly gradually with support from my Hunney and from my therapist I have withdrawn from my fathers life. I used to cook dinner for him every Sunday if he was home on the island, if he was away I would keep an eye on his house and pick up his mail. Now even though I literally only live around the corner I refuse to look after the house and I have stopped inviting him for dinner. I try to blank out his voice in my head telling me what I can't do. Instead I listen to Hunney, my boss, you ladies....all the people who point out my strengths, good points, and the things that I can do.
After talking with my Hunney and then my therapist, I think between us we have worked out why now?
My ex husband never really liked my father, he encouraged me to stand up to him. I didn't see much of Dad in the years I was with him. By the time I left my ex, mum had left Dad, I went to live with mum, so still didn't see much of him. It was after Hunney and I had got together and we out grew the space we had at mums and got our own place that things got stressed for me. Mum sulked cause we had moved out, she wouldn't visit us, and for some reason that was when I got into the habit of inviting dad round for his dinner and had a lot of contact with him. The cruel taunts and negative comments awoke old feelings and before I knew it my boss at work was expressing concern and suggesting that I seek help. Thank goodness he did.
I am depressed and constantly tired, the therapy is adding to the tiredness and I don't sleep well, some days I don't even want to get out of bed, never mind get dressed and go out through my door, but I tell myself that the bullies have won if I stay at home and mope. When I get home from work in the afternoon I'm too tired to do much more than a load of washing and get the dinner started. (I like my mornings off for sewing and housework, I can get loads done, if I can just focus) If I'm up to it in the evenings I'll sit with Hunney in his study, we took my cross stitch table up there in the hopes that being with him would help.(He is doing a distance learning course, a degree in IT and computing) Some nights I can sit and stitch and stitch, but more recently I have no concentration left after 7.30 pm so even that has slowed down.
Usually Tuesdays are very hard for me, the day after therapy when sometimes things are still a bit raw and maybe I didn't manage to put everything away and feel like crying at nothing, but today was different, today was the first positive Tuesday I've had since April and I'm sure that all your kind loving emails in my mailbox had something to do with that.
There, I've gone and done it again, prattled on and said far more than I intended. Thank you for staying the course and reading all of that. Maybe you're right, if I talk about it here in blog land, then it will get easier to say it out loud, I think my colleagues need to know why I've been so wobbly this year. I also feel that by being able to talk here I have turned some sort of corner and maybe after Christmas I'll be on the way down again, it's been a long hard climb to the top of this mountain.
1) So many shoulders.
2) Kind words from all over the world.
3) Hunney. ;-)