Is it too early to have an end of year thing?
I want this year to be over. It's been awful, well not totally awful, I've found so many new blogs to read and inspire me, and I've also had new visitors and readers finding my blog. I've loved your support and feedback, but over all of the warmth and friendship I've found here, there has been a dark cloud, something that gets in the way of my life and which takes away from my sewing time.
Earlier this year I began to see a therapist, every Monday at 3.45 pm! I'd waited almost six months and completed two questionnaires before I eventually got an assessment interview. Ever since that day we've been awakening my demons. My father is a very cruel, cruel man, even now at 39 I'm afraid of him, he can flatten me with a look or a few words. My entire life has been affected by his cruelty and his bullying, I probably ended up with a cruel husband because I have a cruel father. I know I'm not the only one and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I did nothing wrong and it's not my fault.
For the last month I've been looking in the mirror and practising saying the words ''my father is a cruel and violent bully'', I can say them out loud to the woman in the mirror, I can mumble them to Hunney, just about, but if I try to say them elsewhere, my eyes fill and my throat seizes up! But I can say it here!! Maybe because it's easier, if I chicken out, I can delete the whole post, (If you're reading this, then that obviously didn't happen) I don't have to say it aloud here, in order to be heard, I just have to type a few words.
Some weeks are good, I manage to put it all away in the box, others are not so good, I spend half the week getting over Monday and the next half of the week counting down to next Monday! Last week with no Internet and no lovely blogs to read was just a nightmare, I had very little to distract me and no late shifts so no sewing time.
My therapy sessions are far from over, I know I still have some work to do, but I feel like, if I get this year over with, then next year I'll have climbed all the way to the top of the mountain and I'll be able to go down the other side, which is always easier, isn't it?
I have massive confidence issues and a ton of self doubt, which is why your comments and encouragement are so precious to me. Thank you, for stopping by to read my blog, thank you for all your kindness and encouragement.
If you have a time machine, please rush us into 2009!
WOW!! Not what I set out to say at all! But there it is, that's me!
1) Inner Strength.
2) Always my Hunney.
3) Every one who read this far.