Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Nothing Stitchy! A very personal post.

Is it too early to have an end of year thing?

I want this year to be over. It's been awful, well not totally awful, I've found so many new blogs to read and inspire me, and I've also had new visitors and readers finding my blog. I've loved your support and feedback, but over all of the warmth and friendship I've found here, there has been a dark cloud, something that gets in the way of my life and which takes away from my sewing time.

Earlier this year I began to see a therapist, every Monday at 3.45 pm! I'd waited almost six months and completed two questionnaires before I eventually got an assessment interview. Ever since that day we've been awakening my demons. My father is a very cruel, cruel man, even now at 39 I'm afraid of him, he can flatten me with a look or a few words. My entire life has been affected by his cruelty and his bullying, I probably ended up with a cruel husband because I have a cruel father. I know I'm not the only one and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I did nothing wrong and it's not my fault.

For the last month I've been looking in the mirror and practising saying the words ''my father is a cruel and violent bully'', I can say them out loud to the woman in the mirror, I can mumble them to Hunney, just about, but if I try to say them elsewhere, my eyes fill and my throat seizes up! But I can say it here!! Maybe because it's easier, if I chicken out, I can delete the whole post, (If you're reading this, then that obviously didn't happen) I don't have to say it aloud here, in order to be heard, I just have to type a few words.

Some weeks are good, I manage to put it all away in the box, others are not so good, I spend half the week getting over Monday and the next half of the week counting down to next Monday! Last week with no Internet and no lovely blogs to read was just a nightmare, I had very little to distract me and no late shifts so no sewing time.

My therapy sessions are far from over, I know I still have some work to do, but I feel like, if I get this year over with, then next year I'll have climbed all the way to the top of the mountain and I'll be able to go down the other side, which is always easier, isn't it?

I have massive confidence issues and a ton of self doubt, which is why your comments and encouragement are so precious to me. Thank you, for stopping by to read my blog, thank you for all your kindness and encouragement.

If you have a time machine, please rush us into 2009!

WOW!! Not what I set out to say at all! But there it is, that's me!

1) Inner Strength.
2) Always my Hunney.
3) Every one who read this far.


Miss 376 said...

Loulee, a very big hug to you. Can imagine this was hard to post, but from what I can see, you are a lovely lady and have managed to bring up a lovely family. I have a friend who has gone through therapy over the last few months and has come to terms with what happened in her childhood, so I know how hard it can be to face these things. Keep up the hard work and I hope the next six weeks go quick enough for you and that 2009 will be a happy year for you. Thinking of you always, Jane

Torina said...

I've been reading your blog for a while since I am a crafty person. I don't think I have ever commented.

I hope 2009 is a new year for you and you are able to find contentment. Everyone deserves to be satisfied with their lives (I don't think anyone can be happy all the time so that is why I don't say "happiness").

And thank you for blogging! :)

Julia said...

Dear Loulee, my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain through your post, be positive and brave, let the next few weeks go by and hopfully next year will be better than this one was....it can only get better.
It has been a horrid year for us too.
I'll check back often to make sure your OK
Love and big hugs julia.

Tanja said...

Blogging can be very healing. It helped me to work through a lot of pain, and I hope it will help you too. We all have our dark clouds somewhere, and often people let it hang there. It is brave that you are confronting yourself with all the pain and fear. I admire you for that.

Big hugs,

Lurline's Place said...

Loulee, with tears in my eyes I say the following to you from my heart ... seems to me you "have everything in it's right box"! You have addressed it ... we have 40 odd days to go this year ... please treasure each and every one of them! You have great courage and so many other wonderful attributes
God Bless you and yours - hugs - Lurline!

Libby said...

I have been lurking around your blog and I don't think I've commented, but I had to congratulate you on this post and thank you for sharing yourself with us. What you are doing is incredible - good for you for having the courage to take this on!

GARI said...

I am a retired psychotherapist and I loved reading your last post. Knowing that someone is actually working at getting better is so very exciting. Keep up the good work.

Lorraine said...

Well done to get all that out!!...and I hope you get to say those words aloud without your throat seizing up soon!!! Keep going and keep believing that you are getting stronger every day.....and striving to be the best you can be....and keep blogging! Great therapy in itself I think! I hope you can find some enjoyment in the rest of '08 and that 2009 is a fabulous year for you and your family!

black bear cabin said...

welcome back to the internet :)
im sorry that you are in a dark place right now...your quilts would certainly prove otherwise...so colorful and full of joy! i hope you are getting the necessary healing you need, and remember...many people love you (so pop can just kiss your a _ _)!
You are on the road to recovery, and each day brings you a little closer to a new world!

Ali Honey said...

Thanks for telling us Loulee. Brave lady! I thought you had depression, perhaps. I have some questions so hope you will be able to tell us more. ( Do you have to see your Father often? )
One other sentence there really worried me..... maybe I have not got the full picture.
I care what happens in your life so please recieve a big hug and much concern for your well being from me. Ali in NZ.

Sarah Nopp said...

I hope you know how much I look forward to your posts! You always have great pictures and fun observations. And I really want to visit your island someday.
I hope you know you have Fans out Here!

Tazzie said...

I'm sending big hugs your way - just know that I'm here if you need me.

anne bebbington said...

Every day's a new day and you're stepping in the right direction even if those steps are often painful and sometimes one forward, three back. Your healing process has started and although you have a way to go it's good that you're facing those demons and that you have a positive release in your blogging and your lovely quilting. So many people are out here cheering you on. Just keep shouting at that mirror and saying it elsewhere will become easier and easier ((((HUGS)))) and much love Anne in Taunton

Rowyn said...

Hope you manage to work through things. Sending hugs your way.

quiltygal said...

Ohh Lou.....I stopped by to tell you that I have some batiks for you & now I am crying....I had such a lovely kind father that it really upsets me to think of a childhood full of fear...please keep going to your sessions they are obviously working for you ...please tell me that "hunny" is not the cruel husband??....if you emaail me your address I will post you the batiks I hope they bring a smile to your face hugs xxx

Andrea said...

Can only echo all the comments from many lovely people and send much love across the water to you. So many of us here in Blogland wishing you well. Take care xxx

Lynda said...

So sad to read your blog, yet pleased that you are moving through it. You obviously are getting better if you can think that it is not your fault! You're absolutely right it isn't your fault! Just count up the good days (or good times) and ignore the bad ones, and you'll find the good days getting more and more. There will always be bad days (that's normal life!) but they will be very much in the minority. I wish I could give you a hug, but you'll have to make do with a virtual one. xx

sewkalico said...

I notice if I don't sew, I get really crabby. This crafting of ours is a form of therapy! Just keep sewing, keep your chin up and remember we are just an email away!!!
And your Hubs seems like a really nice guy so I'm pleased he's there for you!

Stina said...

Thanks for sharing your life...and boy there are so many of us in the same situations...so many of us that you can share with... and just keep on doing what you are doing...the more you say what you have in mind...the easier it gets...
A BIG HUG to you...brave woman!!:o)